I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
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Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
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And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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