I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
