I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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