You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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