your parents love me but you hate me
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
