I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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