I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
