Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
