just come out here and I will go home with you...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
