am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
