I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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