Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
