so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
