i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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