i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
