I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
