You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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