I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
