it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
