You just made me feel so damn special
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
