He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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