I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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