i barfeds in our rink
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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