Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
