I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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