she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
