I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
