I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
