Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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