Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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