After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
