Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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