I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
