I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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