OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
