Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
