i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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