I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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