i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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