mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
