there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
