just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
