i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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