really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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