My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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