I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
