cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
