You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
