Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
