I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
This gyro tastes like lonliness
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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