Umm I'm too high to move.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She swung at the pinata with crutches
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
If its not for food we ain't going out.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
