I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
