And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
