you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Randomize
