I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
