I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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