the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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