Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
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You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
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My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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