I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
