Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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