just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
