And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
