Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
