We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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