yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
