he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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